Lord Byron and The Cat House Blues

Lord Byron and the Cat House Blues

A Black Musical Comedy set in the Nutcracker Suite



Lord Byron,



Wild Girl Burnie,




King Broderick

Scene 1

Lights up suddenly, stage is in disarray as if it is being constructed. A huge screen dominates the back of the stage, extracts of Doris Day movies, Gilligan’s Island and T3 are strangely spliced together, the Keeper sits in front of it obsessively keying material in.

Lord Byron is standing center stage, still being magnificently attired for the day’s events. He is deciding what interventions shall structure the day

Byron Now Burnie if you could repeat that screaming thing you do, you know where they have to drag you off and you froth at the mouth…

Burnie No fucking way, I got locked in the high security unit for three days for that shit

Byron How do I look?

Coralyn Beautiful my lord, just beautiful

Byron More of the red?

Burnie You are so fucked

Byron I think a touch of the ermine

King B Shut up you whining rodent, where’s your mother?

CatM here my lord, it ill behooves you..

King B Zip it woman, get me wine, woman and song, that faded git is not my son. Where are my belly dancers?

Yasuf(very solemnly) I believe in God

King B I am God

Yasuf I believe in God, he will come here

KingB I am already fucking here!

Catm King Broderick wants his belly dancers and grapes

KingB And sex, dark orgiastic feasts of young writhing limbs

Byron Sir?

KingB So much semen has dribbled from your flaccid penis

that it is a miracle of the God that you have a brain

(Enter Oberon)

Oberon Good morrow, sire

Kingb And to you

Oberon Shall we play chess?

KingB Black Jack, now(roars) bring women, opiates and rum

Oberon Shall we adjourn?

They rise, everyone on stage prostrates themselves, exit

Burnie Thank fucking Christ

Catm Places everyone, that’s it, let us begin with the

breathing, holding the diaphragm, recite after me: If you’re happy and you know it clap your paws, if your happy and you know it clap your paws, if you’re happy and you know it, then there is one way to show it, clap your paws, clap your paws, clap your paws. Now interventions please

Burnie(very overdone) What is this illness? Why do I hear these voices in my head. Am I really Joan of Arc? O France, France

Coralyn(begins to tear at her clothes) O I bear the mark of seven devils, help, help!

Yosef I believe in God, (repeats this ad nauseum)

Catmother begins to crack her whip, various nurse/writer persons try and reshape the action and are abused violently,

Keeper Quiet everyone, absolute quiet, the co-ordinates are locked in

1 Comment

  1. July 23, 2008 at 5:15 am

    You are as mad as me.

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